Fleeing Mayor Mamdani’s NYC? Come to Iowa!

A number of Iowans are heading for the exits while some New Yorkers are threatening to leave their own city. Hear me out on this.

Zohran Mamdani will be the next Mayor of New York City.

While this is great news for anyone who thinks politicians should be young, diverse, energetic, authentic, progressive, inclusive, and — I’ll say it — hot, Zohran’s candidacy has also brought out the worst in a lot of people.

Naturally, for the past few months, the anti-Zohran hit-pieces have been flowing like nitrates into the Des Moines River. Among my favorites has been the Rupert Murdoch-run New York Post’s claim that as many 1 in 4 New Yorkers will consider leaving the city if Zohran wins.

Luckily for them, Zohran is making buses free so they won’t have to spend a dime booking their asses on a one way ticket out of town.

Now, I do get why some might see a potential exodus as a setback for New York City. But I personally see it as an opportunity.

I stand before you Zohran-hating New Yorkers today with a proposal: Come to Iowa.

Take it from me. My own family made the move from New York to Iowa over 30 years ago, way back when Zohran was still a baby and Andrew Cuomo’s assault allegations were still in the single digits.

In the early 90s when my dad and brother were considering joining my mom and I in relocating from New York City to Des Moines, our dear friend Julie Gammack made us a video called “Des Moines: The Surprising Place,” which highlighted how amazing both the state and city were.

The state of Iowa is still surprising today. But less in a “surprise party” kind of way and more in a “surprise E. coli” kind of way.

I would love to show the video to any New Yorkers contemplating the move, but in order for it to still make sense in 2025, we would have to edit out any claims that abortion is accessible, public education is adequately funded, and child labor is illegal.

But we still have this thing called “IOWA NICE.”

Sorry…typo. I meant to say “IOWAN ICE.” The state’s National Guard has been dispatched to help the federal government round up our immigrant neighbors. Which is decidedly not very nice.

To be clear, the vast majority Iowans I know are as furious as I am at the people doing this to our state.

But the fact is, young people are currently fleeing faster than a Drake basketball coach who’s had a moderately successful season.

We sadly no longer have a leader like Governor Robert Ray, who opened our doors to countless refugees. But since Kim Reynolds and her allies are pretty squarely responsible for the state’s current brain day, maybe the least she can do is welcome some helpless New Yorkers.

Like New York’s Junior Senator, Kirsten Gillibrand.

Dear Senator Gillibrand,

The day after Mamdani won New York’s Mayoral primary by expanding the electorate — something that we Democrats have long been desperate to achieve — I was so excited to hear you talking about his victory in a radio interview.

I assumed you would be discussing the importance of rallying around the Democratic nominee, which is what our party insists that progressives must do every time we nominate a moderate.

Instead, you used your time on the mic to accuse Mamdani, a Muslim, of supporting “global jihad.”

Admittedly, my first reaction to your remarks was utter disgust.

But my second was the realization that you would feel quite at home in Iowa’s 4th Congressional District.

Ever since we finally expelled Congressman Steve King from office, some of his former constituents have been searching for an outwardly Islamophobic representative in congress (His successor Randy Feenstra has made at least the minimal effort to mask his bigotry in dog whistles).

The confederate flag that King used to keep on his desk might still be lying around here somewhere for you to dig up.

And if the 4th District isn’t quite your speed, come to the 3rd. There’s a bar in Clive called Miss Kitty’s that you would love.

I would also like to extend an invitation to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

Dear Senator Schumer,

Move to Iowa!

I just know that the second you touch down in the Hawkeye state, you’ll be asking “Is this Heaven?” And not just because you’ve become a ghost of the respected politician you once were.

Your refusal to endorse Zohran or even reveal who you voted for might be the most spineless political move I’ve seen since Senator Ernst voted to confirm Pete Hegseth even though she (rightfully) called Andrew Cuomo out for similar misconduct.

I’m not sure if you and Ernst are friends, but she likes to boast about performing castrations, a procedure that you seem to have been on the receiving end of.

Ernst is of course retiring, so she’ll soon be spending her time just sitting around and doing nothing, which is how you seem to have spent the entirety of Trump’s second term so far.

Next up, we’ve got House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.

Dear Leader Jeffries,

I highly encourage you to ditch Brooklyn, New York for Brooklyn, Iowa.

It’s true that less than two weeks ago, you FINALLY gave Zohran the most tepid endorsement you could muster, only to then answer “No” when asked if Zohran is the future of the Democratic party.

I’ll cut you some slack, though. It’s hard to predict the future. Hell, when Nancy Pelosi handed you the baton, I briefly thought you might be the future of our party. How wrong I was.

I saw that picture of you swinging a baseball bat trying to look tough, and I just have to say: when it comes to party leadership…I just don’t think you’re cut out for the majors.

Don’t worry, we have a minor league AAA team in Des Moines, which may be a little more your speed.

And then, of course, there’s disgraced former Governor Andrew Cuomo.

Dear Governor Cuomo,

I know that you’re having a bit of a political identity crisis.

You started off as a Democrat before ultimately just dropping all pretenses and presenting yourself as an Independent.

You are going to LOVE this guy named Rob Sand.

But unlike you, he’s a decent person who will actually make a great Governor. You’d also like him because he loves pizza….even if it’s from a gas station.

And, yes, we eat pizza with our hands, which in your eyes must make us unhygienic and un-American. After all, that’s the critique that you and your supporters have incessantly lobbed at Zohran over the way he eats Indian food.

Speaking of which, I would leave the cutlery at home when you make it out to the Iowa State Fair. You need to be pretty hands on with corndogs, tenderloin sandwiches, and pork chops on a stick…just like you are with women.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also extend an invite to residents of New York’s neighboring states, like New Jersey Senator Cory Booker.

Dear Senator Booker,

I heard you say that you weren’t going to weigh in on New York’s mayoral race because you had your hands full with New Jersey politics. Then, just weeks later, I saw you issue an endorsement in the race for mayor of Mobile, Fucking Alabama.

I would encourage you to watch this really great speech I recently saw about moral courage in politics. It was 25 hours long and delivered on the Senate floor by…you.

I remember thinking you were cool when you made headlines for shoveling snow from your neighbor’s driveway and running into a burning building to help people.

Please bring those skills with you to Iowa. We will certainly need them as the climate disaster here worsens, thanks in part to your vote to approve Trump’s AG Secretary.

Now, to my fellow Iowans:

My invitations are probably meaningless because most of you — the folks who handed Obama his historic caucus victory and celebrated legalizing gay marriage before most of the country — would personally never stand for the way Zohran has been treated by leaders of our party.

I also want to make it clear that for all of its flaws, I still adore Iowa and will always consider it my home.

After all, something doesn’t have to be perfect in order for it to earn your support.

That’s a policy that Schumer, Gillibrand, Booker, and plenty of others have chosen to selectively ignore when it comes to the future of the Democratic party: Mayor Zohran Mamdani.

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